Tears of Change

Before my Race I wrote a blog about tears.  I had prayed for tears.  God began to answer, and I could finally cry.  But it didn’t last for long.  Yes there were a few days on my race when I cried, but mostly because of my pride getting in the way and fear surrounding me. That was until the end of month 8 in Cambodia when I finally got rid of my mask.  

You see, I had been wearing a mask for the majority of my life and I was allowing that mask to dictate what emotions others saw.  The mask became my outward identity. I may have inwardly been really struggling with things, but did not allow the world to see that struggle or that hurt.  

I also had this habit of making decisions based on reason. Since my heart and emotions had been turned off, I was fine and just went along with the decision.  Even if deep down the decision was difficult and painful, I put a smile on and kept on going.

That was until the mask was removed.

I never realized just how much I had grown and changed without the mask until this past weekend.  On Thursday my housemates and I were all standing in our home for the first time as a group (minus one).  It was at this time that our house mentor mentioned that he had some sobering news.  The mood in the house immediately changed.  He told us that another person in the apprenticeship program was seriously considering joining the India team, and it would be best if she moved in with us on Friday.  However, this would mean that one of the two girls in the house not going to India would not be living in the mission house, but would be moving into one of the other community houses.  

This news hit the entire group pretty hard.  We had been living together for two weeks at this point and had very quickly become a family.  We were looking forward to all the things that were waiting for us in the trailer together. 

For me personally, I had come in without my mask on. I had been 100% myself and had come to really love my housemates.  I had let them into my heart.  But all the while God had been hinting to me of this possible change.  And so with that hint in mind, I said I would be the one not joining the family in the mission house.  It was the logical decision. It was the decision that would give me the most stability and settlement for the long run. 

However, it took my heart a little while to catch up and see this for the blessing that it was.  I spent the next 24-36 hours in and out of tears.  Anytime I thought about not moving into the mission house and living in that environment, I cried.  And I was okay with crying.  

When I woke up Saturday morning I could tell that my heart had finally caught up.  It could have been the fact that I had slept in an actual bed for the first time in 2 weeks or had a “permanent” address for the first time since May 2014 or the new family that welcomed me into my new home with open arms and open hearts.  But whatever physical way in which my heart was put at ease, I know my Papa had an even bigger part in allowing me to see how much I had grown and changed in the last year and that He is always looking out for me. 

 

Fundraising Update:

I am not fully funded for this semester.  My next deadline is October 11.  I need to have a total of $2,962 in my account by then, and I am currently sitting at $1,975.  Will you help me continue the work I am doing here in Gainesville?  Would you consider coming a monthly donor to help me reach my total financial goal?